Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
