Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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