After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
