Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
