Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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