That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
