I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
