overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Randomize
