if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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