So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
