oh god the rape fog is back!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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