you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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