You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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