I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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