I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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