can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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