my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
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Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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