we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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