Soap is not a condiment
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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