Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
