Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
