i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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