I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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