The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
