So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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