So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
