I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
