I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
