You made me cry and you don't even care
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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