Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
