if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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