Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
