I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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