lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
