im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
