Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
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I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I supernannyed him into submission
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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