I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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