So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
