My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
