I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
