i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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