I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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