It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
