I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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