So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Say something about gay babies.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
