well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
