you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
