the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
