im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize