I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
