Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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