is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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