yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
