I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
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You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life