is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.