I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?