I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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