I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
