If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
