Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
